January 2013
2 posts
I am the Adam Morrell who had to retrieve his...
While staying at my friend’s house recently we took his dog for a walk. Our shoes got muddy on the way around, so we left them outside the back door when we returned. Eventually it was time for me to leave so I went to get my shoes, only to find the door separating them from me was now locked. Because it wasn’t my house I didn’t know where the key might be. Two minutes later my friend’s wife...
I am the Adam Morrell who has a desk drawer...
I don’t know what to do with them. I just never remember to take them with me to the cinema, so I always come back with a new pair. It seems a waste to throw them away, so into the drawer they go.
September 2012
2 posts
I am the Adam Morrell who, upon turning up for his...
At least I was the big spoon.
I am the Adam Morrell who used a vending machine...
You should only do this if you like tiny, broken crisps.
August 2012
2 posts
I am the Adam Morrell who frightened a maid.
Kos, Greece. Day two of my first holiday with my first girlfriend. Weather sweltered. Pores laughed out sweat. I don’t cope well in the sun, so I left the lady by the pool and went to take a shower.
In the hotel room, the maid was making our bed. I told her I was going for a shower, padded into the bathroom, closed the door and removed my swimshorts, leaving them on a little clothes horse...
I am the Adam Morrell who fears car aerials.
Every time I walk near one I really, really worry I’m going trip over and pierce my eye and brain with it.
July 2012
1 post
“Fabio Capello is looking forward to a big weekend for group sex.”
– I am the Adam Morrell who accidentally broadcast the above text across the nation while working as a live subtitler on Sky Sports News. Fabio Capello was of course looking forward to a big weekend for Group 6, because he is a professional man, but unfortunately voice recognition software does not...
June 2012
6 posts
I am the Adam Morrell who, upon seeing one of his...
He didn’t laugh.
I am the Adam Morrell who dislocated my shoulder...
Chivalry ain’t dead but it might just kill you.
I am the Adam Morrell who just stole a neighbour's...
Well, really, it just followed me down the street for a bit without me noticing, but what kind of a headline would that be? A bad one.
I am the Adam Morrell who once grabbed an old lady...
Fall asleep on train to work. Wake up to find train at relevant station. Recognise need to remove self from train quickly or risk ending up at irrelevant station. Crane arm over apparently empty seat in front to pull self to feet. Apparently empty seat not empty. Unexpected fistful of face. Face attached to startled old lady. Remove fingers from surprised nostrils. Train seconds from departure. No...
“No Joseph, you can’t have another Kinder Egg. Mummy wouldn’t be a...”
– I am the Adam Morrell who very nearly attempted to say something suave and James Bond upon hearing this in a newsagent, but then remembered I am neither suave nor James Bond.
May 2012
13 posts
I am the Adam Morrell who, on my first ever...
I was 15 years old on a school trip to Germany and wanted to impress a girl. I ended up impressing her right out of the room and into the arms of a suave German man who gave her a lovebite so prominent that she was forced to wear a turtleneck jumper for the rest of the week.
I am the Adam Morrell who would, as a child, refer...
Because he looked a bit like my dad, basically.
I am the Adam Morrell whose mum, then a dinner...
Presumably in an attempted psychological ploy to make me stop running like a lady.
I am the Adam Morrell who came up with one of the...
Why was Free Willy sentenced to the death penalty?
Crimes against a manatee.
I am the Adam Morrell who, upon hearing someone...
This is a Power Rangers reference which has a recognition ratio of about 50/50.
“Hey pal, any idea how long this thing’s going to be?”
– I am the Adam Morrell who was very confused when a man stood next to me at a urinal, unzipped his fly and said this. It turned out he was referring to the duration of the event we were both attending, and not his genitals.
I am the Adam Morrell who sneezed a Pot Noodle.
Essentially I made the mistake of laughing while eating a Bombay Bad Boy. Noodles instantly shot up my nose and all I could do was claw uselessly at my nostrils until I sneezed the rubbery intruders out.
I am the Adam Morrell who became entangled in a...
I was on the bus to work, standing next to a seat in which a young woman and her younger son were sitting.
Boy: Mummy?
Mother: Yes, sweetheart?
Boy: [Pointing at me] Is that Daddy?
Mother: Jacob! No, it’s not Daddy. [To me] I’m sorry!
Me: That’s OK, happens all the time. Haha.
Boy: I didn’t think it was him, his shoes aren’t like Daddy’s.
Me: What’s wrong with my shoes?
Mother:...
I am the Adam Morrell who mistook a barmaid's...
Turns out that, when spoken in a Geordie accent, “You wan’ ice?” sounds quite a lot like “You’re nice”.
I am the Adam Morrell who wore shorts today but...
Just in case.
I am the Adam Morrell who delivered a first kiss...
Just leaned in and kissed her on the nose. I still don’t know why.
“I owe it all to Mr Cow.”
– I am the Adam Morrell who recently woke up thinking this.
I am the Adam Morrell who was hired by a man on a...
I moved to London from Stoke-on-Trent when I was 22 years old. The transcript below details the start of the phone call in which I, then a thrusting young buck eager to explore the world of marketing, found out I’d been given the job I applied for in the capital:
The phone rings. I pick up.
Me: Hello?
Him: [distorted] Hello there, Adam - it’s David.
Me: Oh, hi David. Can you hear me OK? The...
