Who the fuck is Adam Morrell?

I am the Adam Morrell who had to retrieve his shoes through his friend's cat flap.

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 10:12:58 -0500

While staying at my friend’s house recently we took his dog for a walk. Our shoes got muddy on the way around, so we left them outside the back door when we returned. Eventually it was time for me to leave so I went to get my shoes, only to find the door separating them from me was now locked. Because it wasn’t my house I didn’t know where the key might be. Two minutes later my friend’s wife walked in to discover me lying flat on the floor as I tried to reach my shoes through her cat flap.

I am the Adam Morrell who has a desk drawer containing nothing but 30 pairs of 3D glasses from cinemas.

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 10:12:05 -0500

I don’t know what to do with them. I just never remember to take them with me to the cinema, so I always come back with a new pair. It seems a waste to throw them away, so into the drawer they go.

I am the Adam Morrell who, upon turning up for his third day in a shiny new job, terribly misjudged how many people a revolving door segment was designed to contain.

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 16:46:55 -0400

At least I was the big spoon.

I am the Adam Morrell who used a vending machine to buy a packet of crisps and a can of Fanta. In that order.

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 16:45:39 -0400

You should only do this if you like tiny, broken crisps.

I am the Adam Morrell who frightened a maid.

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 06:33:08 -0400

Kos, Greece. Day two of my first holiday with my first girlfriend. Weather sweltered. Pores laughed out sweat. I don’t cope well in the sun, so I left the lady by the pool and went to take a shower.

In the hotel room, the maid was making our bed. I told her I was going for a shower, padded into the bathroom, closed the door and removed my swimshorts, leaving them on a little clothes horse by the bath.

At this juncture it is worth pointing out there was no lock on the bathroom door.

I stepped into the bath and studied the shower dial. It was in the same position I’d left it at that morning, when I’d had a shower at a normal warm temperature. I turned the tap and waited.

Water sprayed out, straight into my face and chest. To my surprise, it was hotter than the sun.

I tried to scuttle backwards away from the jet of burning liquid but my feet wouldn’t gain purchase on the now slippery floor. I lost my footing and toppled over the side of the bath.

With all limbs outstretched searching for something to save me, my fingers found the shower curtain and clung on. They continued to cling on even as the rings at the top popped in a short drum roll and allowed the curtain to join us for the descent. I was going down.

It was at that point that I remembered the little clothes horse – the one that I’d left my swimshorts on before getting into the bath. I remembered it by falling onto it, groin-first.

And that’s when the worried maid chose to stick her head around to door to discover me nude, wet and groaning, rolling about on the bathroom floor and seemingly groping myself with the shower curtain. And yes, it probably did look a lot like this bit in The Simpsons:

I am the Adam Morrell who fears car aerials.

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 06:32:55 -0400

Every time I walk near one I really, really worry I’m going trip over and pierce my eye and brain with it.

"Fabio Capello is looking forward to a big weekend for group sex."

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 18:02:11 -0400

“Fabio Capello is looking forward to a big weekend for group sex.”

- I am the Adam Morrell who accidentally broadcast the above text across the nation while working as a live subtitler on Sky Sports News. Fabio Capello was of course looking forward to a big weekend for Group 6, because he is a professional man, but unfortunately voice recognition software does not favour the Stoke-on-Trent accent.

I am the Adam Morrell who, upon seeing one of his builders trying to cram one more discarded window frame into the already overflowing boot of his car, just sang "You don't know your boot is full" to the tune of "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" by One Direction.

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 11:07:28 -0400

He didn’t laugh.

I am the Adam Morrell with a mysterious bruise that looks a bit...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:43:00 -0400

I am the Adam Morrell with a mysterious bruise that looks a bit like the Avengers logo.

I am the Adam Morrell who dislocated my shoulder trying to hold open a revolving door for an elderly lady.

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 18:56:38 -0400

Chivalry ain’t dead but it might just kill you.

I am the Adam Morrell who just stole a neighbour's pug.

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 18:49:57 -0400

Well, really, it just followed me down the street for a bit without me noticing, but what kind of a headline would that be? A bad one.

I am the Adam Morrell who once grabbed an old lady by the face (accidentally).

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 03:44:00 -0400

Fall asleep on train to work. Wake up to find train at relevant station. Recognise need to remove self from train quickly or risk ending up at irrelevant station. Crane arm over apparently empty seat in front to pull self to feet. Apparently empty seat not empty. Unexpected fistful of face. Face attached to startled old lady. Remove fingers from surprised nostrils. Train seconds from departure. No time to explain what happened or enquire after health of old lady. Shout apology over shoulder while running towards door. Acknowledge this is not an ideal resolution to situation. I have never seen that startled old lady since, but not a day goes by when I don’t think about her.

"No Joseph, you can’t have another Kinder Egg. Mummy wouldn’t be a good mummy if she said..."

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 12:26:26 -0400

““No Joseph, you can’t have another Kinder Egg. Mummy wouldn’t be a good mummy if she said yes to everything, would she?””

- I am the Adam Morrell who very nearly attempted to say something suave and James Bond upon hearing this in a newsagent, but then remembered I am neither suave nor James Bond.

I am the Adam Morrell who, on my first ever attempt at karaoke, sang 'Is This Love?' by Bob Marley & The Wailers - a song I had previously heard only once, on Stars in Their Eyes.

Wed, 30 May 2012 16:36:14 -0400

I was 15 years old on a school trip to Germany and wanted to impress a girl. I ended up impressing her right out of the room and into the arms of a suave German man who gave her a lovebite so prominent that she was forced to wear a turtleneck jumper for the rest of the week.

I am the Adam Morrell who would, as a child, refer to then UK Prime Minister John Major as "The Daddy Man".

Mon, 28 May 2012 05:15:00 -0400

Because he looked a bit like my dad, basically.

I am the Adam Morrell whose mum, then a dinner lady at the primary school I was attending as a six year old boy, claimed one of my female classmates (also six years old) had asked her: “Why does your Adam run like a lady?”.

Mon, 28 May 2012 05:12:00 -0400

Presumably in an attempted psychological ploy to make me stop running like a lady.

I am the Adam Morrell who came up with one of the top seven sealife jokes of all time.

Sat, 26 May 2012 17:09:00 -0400

Why was Free Willy sentenced to the death penalty?

Crimes against a manatee.

I am the Adam Morrell who, upon hearing someone say "Must've done", immediately replies "Pterodactyl".

Sat, 26 May 2012 17:07:00 -0400

This is a Power Rangers reference which has a recognition ratio of about 50/50.

"Hey pal, any idea how long this thing’s going to be?"

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:48:00 -0400

““Hey pal, any idea how long this thing’s going to be?””

- I am the Adam Morrell who was very confused when a man stood next to me at a urinal, unzipped his fly and said this. It turned out he was referring to the duration of the event we were both attending, and not his genitals.

I am the Adam Morrell who sneezed a Pot Noodle.

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:45:00 -0400

Essentially I made the mistake of laughing while eating a Bombay Bad Boy. Noodles instantly shot up my nose and all I could do was claw uselessly at my nostrils until I sneezed the rubbery intruders out.